i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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