My sheets look like a crime scene.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize