they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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