never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you will always have a special place in my vag
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
