spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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