Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize