I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
