we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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