Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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