Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
