Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
