I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
