I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
