chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
