Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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