Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The chlamydia really affected his face.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
