So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
