Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
