It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
