Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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