my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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