HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
that may or may not have been my penis.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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