Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
