Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
