and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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