White coat. Heels.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
