Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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