I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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