I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
