dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
