Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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