turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
