Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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