Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
