Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
