I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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