I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
