i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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