Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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