Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
