hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
