he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
