I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
