last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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