capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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