The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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