see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
