Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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