My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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