is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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