remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
