if you like me you must not know who I am
I just threw up on my dentist
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
