We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
