I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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