she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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