So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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