I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
