i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
