i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
