They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have aggressive nipples.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
