yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
